Faithfulness in School Days

My kids went back to school in person today. Our district offered different modes of learning at the beginning of the year. We had elected to do school remotely to start out the year because child #3 had horrible asthma. We wanted to see how it was going to look before we sent them back.

Then I received an email from the school asking if I’d be okay with them going in person the 2nd 9 weeks. I discussed it with the hubs and we decided we were comfortable enough to send them back. The house is awfully quiet today with just the 1 year old at home.

It’s funny though, looking back on the first 9 weeks, I don’t remember wishing I had more time to myself. I don’t remember feeling resentful that they were home with me. Yes, things were more hectic, messy, and loud. Yes, we were some times short tempered. Yes, I did raise my voice some days (most every day). I just don’t remember focusing on it during that time.

I don’t say this to make it sound like I’m a super mom for teaching my kids the first 9 weeks. I don’t want to sound like I think I’m more of a loving momma because I didn’t get sick of them or that I didn’t struggle with the idea of them being home.

I’m also not saying God’s Will is that all children be remote or homeschooled during this time. Any situation you find yourself in (even a bad one) can be used for the glory of God. We simply did it because of health issues for our daughter. Since we haven’t had huge outbreaks in our district, we felt comfortable when asked about returning early.

I’m also not going to say that I’m completely worry free with my kids being in school. My heart broke not being able to walk them in for their first day. I do still worry about sicknesses with my third. But our reason for keeping them home currently isn’t the issue we thought it would be. However, I know where to take any worries I may have. (Yeah, I may have been up last night at 3 am praying about them). There is only One who is never changing and completely dependable.

I look back and it simply amazes me that God gives us the grace when we need it. Oftentimes, we don’t realize we needed it until the moment has passed us as well. I enjoyed not rushing around all morning trying to teach all 3 of them this morning, even though it didn’t bother me at the time.

It’s not my strength that carries me but His. I’m not saying God’s Will would be that all teach their kids remotely and that’s why He carried me. Rather, in whatever situation we find ourselves led to, God will sustain us if we are looking to him as our source of hope, strength, and joy. Just like God sustained me through the first 9 weeks, I know He will sustain me (and them) through the uncertainties of going back to school as well.

I’m going to share a quote by Elisabeth Elliot that I think best sums up my feelings. She is referring to motherhood in this specific quote, although I think you’ll find it applies to any calling that you find yourself in: “This job has been given to me to do. Therefore, it is a gift. Therefore, it is a privilege. Therefore, it is an offering I may make to God. Therefore, it is to be done gladly, if it is done for Him. Here, not somewhere else, I may learn God’s way. In this job, not in some other, God looks for faithfulness”.

I want to remember the hard and ugly, not just easy and pretty.

Lately I’ve felt a stronger pull to live in the moment more. Our community has lost persons in it recently. I’ve read about things on news pages about lives lost at young ages. I’ve really felt the shortness of life being emphasized around me.

It’s not that we don’t know it deep down, but at certain times of life events bring it more to the forefront. I’ve seen posts about wanting to savor moments when kids have done something cute, or are wearing something cute, basically anything good that people want to remember. I get it as well. I want to remember the good times all the time. Those are the memories that keep us a little bit encouraged when facing hard days with them.

I want to start living in the moments that seem harder at the time as well though. The days I’ve told (and been ignored) by my one year old after telling him “no” a million times-I want to be there. The days I’m exhausted from the time I wake up until my head hits the pillow at the end of the day-I want to be there. The days my girls fight nonstop and I feel like all I’ve done is referee-I want to be there. The days I feel like I’ve done nothing but keep my kids alive-yep, I want to be there too.

I don’t want to just live for the good moments. I want to be an active participant in every part of my life. Why? Because it all serves a purpose. When my one year old does finally listen to that “no”, it emphasizes how important the incessant “no’s” were. The days I wake up exhausted, I know it’s because I’m busy with little people who are some of the most important to me in this world. The days my girls fight and are forced to make amends, relationship is being built. (You can’t have two divas in the same house and it expect arguments to occur while living in close quarters). The days my only accomplishment is keeping them alive is reason to celebrate-because it’s no easy task.

Another reason I don’t want to wish any day away is because I’m not promised rainbows and butterflies throughout life, let alone try to plan it so that’s what I get right before anything bad ever were to happen. Life doesn’t only have purpose when it’s easy. Life doesn’t only have purpose when it looks good. Every moment has purpose because you were given it to live in. In James 4 we’re reminded that life is a vapor. We don’t know what tomorrow holds. We’ve got today, and regardless of the circumstances, I want to be all in.

We don’t live life with only today in mind. A life lived for the short term, in any aspect, isn’t very encouraging. You can’t spend money without thought for tomorrow. I mean, you could but it’d probably get you into some monetary issues. We don’t think of our diet in terms of today. We don’t gorge ourselves daily because we would careless about the long term. The good and the bad total up the sum of your life-and it all has value. Let’s not forget there is purpose in moments of adversity as well.

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved”. -Helen Keller

Break Pride to Pieces

This past weekend, I had a moment of dread when I thought I had been doing something wrong to my daughter’s hair the past 5 years. For those that don’t know, child #3 is adopted and is a different race than me. I’ve spent hours and hours reading, watching, practicing, and talking with others in order to better learn how to do her hair.

I initially learned how to do it because I do not ever want my daughter to feel like she HAS to go outside the home to have her needs taken care of. Yes, it will look better when it’s done at a salon as she gets older. Mine looks better when I go to a salon as well. So, it’s never bothered me that some day we may end up at the salon.

The other night revealed a less desirable trait in me as well. The first thing I felt when I thought I was wrong, was embarrassment. Embarrassment because I was worried what people would think if they found out I had been doing her hair wrong? Would it confirm the idea that multi-racial families are just too complicated? Would people think I’m not the best fit mom for my girl?

After this brief moment of doubt, I was reminded that I felt embarrassed because I had put too much pride in myself and my own abilities. Pride has no place in the heart of a believer, when placed in anything other than God. Can I have pride during my lifetime? Absolutely-but I put my pride in the right context when I realize any and every ability I have is given to me by God.

I’ve been reading a Puritan prayer a week from the book The Valley of the Vision by Arthur Bennett. My prayer this week is called “The Great God”. There is a section that goes like this: “Annihilate each clinging shred of self-righteousness, Implant in me true lowliness of spirit,… break me, then bind me up;…Thus will my heart be a prepared dwelling for my God;”. To annihilate means to utterly destroy. To implant means to establish. We should ask God for the grace to utterly destroy every shred of our own self-righteousness. (Because we cannot do it on our own). We should then constantly ask for lowliness of spirit to be established in us. (Because it’s not easy to not feel full of ourselves).

I get that the Christian life is often a topsy-turvy, upside down kind of life. What we are told to do often doesn’t make sense to the masses. But remember there is freedom in learning to die to self and live for God-in all aspects of life.

What reinforces this belief? The fact that when I realized doing my daughter’s hair correctly or incorrectly is not about me. It’s about her, because I want it to be done correctly. It’s mostly about God though, because in all areas of my life I want to glorify Him. There are times that only way we can glorify Him is correcting our mistakes and trying to do different. We try to do different by reminding our selves of the truths of the only person who truly can bind and heal our hearts.

I mean that as this story relates to where my mind goes when I do make a mistake, and how I handle the mistake. Long story short-I reached out to a friend who told me I was doing it correctly. I didn’t have anything I did need to correct. If I did, guess what? I would have corrected it next time and life would still continue.

If I wouldn’t have been focused on self, I wouldn’t have questioned whether or not I was the right mom for my girl, because I know God has given me this child on purpose. I don’t have to care about what others think of my mothering, because only one opinion truly matters. I wouldn’t focus on the difficulties of multi-racial families because I would recall the truth that no life is without difficulties.

Moments like this are bound to reappear all throughout life. Thankfully God’s truths are still here and they apply to all facets of life, even hair.

The Most Important Relationships

I stayed home tonight from my oldest son’s football practice to clean my house. I know I have 4 kids but my house will not be a disaster regardless. Yes, throughout the day there are many toys and other items strewn throughout the house, but I know those will easily be picked up at the end of the day. I do not like messy bathrooms, kitchens, dust on furniture, etc.

When my 8 year old daughter heard I was staying home, however; she decided it was a perfect night for some mommy and me time. We went on a walk. While on the walk, we stopped and watched the Monarch butterflies fluttering about the empty land around our area. She pointed them out to me. She stopped and took pictures. She was elated. I offered up a silent prayer of thanksgiving because I knew these are the moments.

Our kids long for relationship with us. More than any other thing in their life, they long for connection and acceptance at home. They want to know we’re a safe place for them. Kids want to (and need to) know that no matter what happens, we are there for them.

A lot of times this looks like us giving up our time, or talking about things we don’t want to talk about. (No, I don’t know Patrick Mahome’s favorite color). (No, I can’t dance like that). How many times have I done girls hair while secretly wishing I could relax? How many times have I laid with them for a couple minutes to tickle their arms? I read a quote somewhere listening to the little things so they will learn to trust you with the big things.

Some of you are thinking “that’s not how I want to spend my life”, “what about me?” The people in my home are the closest proximity to share my witness and testimony with. It is my life’s joy to walk side by side with these little people, not because it’s easy. It’s my joy because I’m not nurturing to be my little people forever. I’m nurturing them to be adults. Who I am around them matters. So many of us save our best selves for those outside our home, but friends, it ought not be this way. Yes, we may apologize more to them (because they’re more likely to see our flaws), but even in our faults-relationship happens.

What makes it easier to want to live a life of flexibility with my time in order to build connections? In Philippians 2:6-7 in reference to Christ it says “Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:”

We know according to John 10:30 that Jesus states He and His Father are one. So by that verse, we know Jesus doesn’t think he’s anything he’s not. We also know that Jesus didn’t come to the earth in the form of a King. He came as a servant to men, even until His death on the cross. So I know if I am to be like Christ, I am to live a life after His example. We should bear a resemblance of His life, if we expect the benefit of His death.

On our walk, my girl asked me what she would do if an anything ever happened to me and she was with me. Of course, we had to play out several scenarios. Then she said “I just don’t think I’d be able to do anything”. I told her “Yes, you will because you don’t walk alone. You have the strength of God with you as well”.

How am I able to have conversations like that with my daughter? Because of my relationship with God. Relationship is what He wants from us as well. More than any other thing in my life, I have connection and acceptance with Him. I know He is my safe place. I know that no matter what happens, He is there for me. It’s because of my relationship with God that I can attempt to emulate relationships with my kids. God doesn’t leave me as I was when I first went to Him. I don’t plan to let my kids leave me without trying to show them the truth, where I can, in whatever ways I’m allowed to. If we would do it for others, we should be more than willing for the ones we’re entrusted with.

Don’t worry, my bathrooms got cleaned as well. 😉

Suffering with others

I went through a hard time a few years ago. It was about a year after the failed attempt to adopt our daughter’s sister. I think it took a year to realize she probably wasn’t going to end up with us. Losing hope like that is heartbreaking. I found myself being discontent with life, the way my life is. Should I be more than just a mom? Did the hubs really appreciate me? Am I ever going to fit in with my family and friends?

This led me to act different with others. I wasn’t calling to God as I once did. I wasn’t reaching into His Word when I needed answers. I knew I was angry with the situation, but I wanted to mull in that for a little bit. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to live in the disappointment I felt for a little bit.

One of the most surprising things, was that throughout my struggles, some of my Christian friends were the ones who didn’t have patience for my struggle. They were ones that just kept their distance, and I guess waited to see if it would pass or not.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that feelings are not always truth. God made us human. He gave us feelings. We see that Jesus felt things while He was here. (Weeping when Lazarus died). We must not be afraid to feel, but we must also reflect on those feelings in light of what we know to be true.

I did have a friend (and many others), but one sticks out, that just tried to love me during that. Yes, she is a Christian so this is by no means a bash on Christians. But she met me where I was. She asked me what was going on. I knew she was praying for me and she was sharing truths we both depended on. She also wasn’t afraid to sit with me in the pit for a little bit. This made all the difference in the world in my seeing the goodness of God in the midst of my struggle. That’s why we’re here anyway: to spread the love, truth, and wisdom of God.

I fear this is something we forget far too often nowadays. You can log on to any social media platform today and within minutes see people attacking others. We have so many opinions out there anymore it’s easy to get caught up in it. I’ve found myself in it a time or twenty.

We are told to love one another, bear with one another, be patient with one another, serve one another, teach one another, comfort one another, encourage one another, and the list goes on. We cannot do that when we are caught up in our own self righteousness.

In order to do any of those tasks we must humble ourselves. I realize it’s not always easy to walk alongside others during certain events in life. I get it. I don’t know of many other ways that show the love of God more than suffering beside and for others. After all, that’s what Jesus did for us.

May we start from a place of humility before we approach others who are struggling, or even those who are joyful. May we remember that we are reminded in Romans 12 to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.

Continue reading “Suffering with others”

The year we didn’t ask for…

I love stories. I remember one of the first children’s books I fell in love with, The Rainbow Fish by Marcus Pfister. The shiny scales captivated me. I remember the sadness I felt the first time I read Mick Harte Was Here by Barbara Park.

My fascination with stories has continued well throughout my life, but expands further than just books. I collect antiques because I love picturing the person who once owned the piece before me. I like imagining how they might have decorated with that item. I put stickers on my vehicle from where we visit because I like looking at the locations on the stickers and remembering the trip and stories that go alone with it.

I recently read Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst. In that book, Alexander goes through all the bad things that have happened to him throughout the day. He wakes up with gum in his hair. He found out he had a cavity. He falls in mud. His brother calls him a cry baby, along with many other wrongs in that particular day. The book ends with saying “mom says some days are like that”.

Well guys, this is our terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (year). It seems as though things have been piled on one right after the other. We adjust to one thing and a new situation appears. Things have been piling up one right after another.

We can focus on all the things going wrong or we can accept the fact that, in life, there will be times like this. Generations before us have faced difficulties in life. Some have faced problems that affect a big population and others have faced personal problems in life, ones that others may not know about.

Our reactions to these situations can make all the difference. This is a difficult part to our story or life, but we get to choose how it ends. The statement “mom says some days are like that” changed the entire tone of the book. It went from a story of hopelessness to one that is hopeful.

I hope where ever you find yourself today, you are able to find moments of happiness or calm. If you are struggling to find the good right now, I hope you find the courage to keep moving forward. I hope you realize that you are never alone. I hope you know, this too, will pass. I hope you know “some days are like that”.

Continue reading “The year we didn’t ask for…”

I Surrender All, but…

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the way many Christians are handling the current situations going on in the world. I don’t pretend to handle every situation correctly. I also am not opposed to being corrected if I have been found standing on the wrong side of something.

That being said, I have stayed awake at night trying to figure out our stance as Christians during this current time. Not only because I’ve been confused as to how to stand; but also because I don’t like all the division, anger, and hatred I’ve seen.

Christians are told to not be a stumbling block for others, and we have no problem avoiding certain foods, places, or even attire to help others. Just do not ask us to wear masks to make others feel more comfortable. Because then our rights are being infringed upon.

While I’m discussing rights, we are not more American than we are Christian. Yes, America is a great country…the best in the world. I do believe there is a place and time for fighting for rights as Americans…but you cannot pass them as Gospel truths or the Christian motive. Even with standing up for American livelihood, there is a correct way to do it. I don’t believe getting angry on Facebook and arguing with others is the way to bring about change.

To me: this argument just further shows our entitlement as Americans. We EXPECT a certain level of comfort, and when that is taken away from us, it certainly can’t be of God, right? I’m going to say wrong.

I think about missionaries who literally surrender everything, all their rights as an American or even their distinct person to go to another country and find out how to serve and to adapt to the area of the world they would be called to. They do not go to the other countries talking about how they know the way life should be done, like in America. They don’t go preaching about all the things they have surrendered in order to go teacher the Gospel to others. No, they go to preach Christ and Christ alone. Certainly God wouldn’t call someone to do that, right? Wrong again. Many souls have been saved because of self-less persons not counting their life more important than others.

I don’t pretend to know why this is happening, but what if God wants to strip of us pride in anything in this life except for Him? I sometimes wonder, if the reaction to this pandemic is any indication of how we handle the end times, how many people we are truly going to lead to God by our love and truth. Are we going to sit on Facebook and talk about how the end times won’t effect our kids at “this certain school” because we have faith in God? Or how America will still fare better because I have rights as an American and I have faith in God.

THIS is our mission field right now. THIS world is not our home. Our job (even in America) is still to share Christ and Christ alone.

Excerpt from “I Surrender All”
All to Jesus I Surrender
Humbly at His feet I bow
Worldly pleasures all forsaken
Take me, Jesus, take me now

I surrender all
I surrender all
All to thee my blessed Savior
I surrender all


Rest for Struggle

For my entire life (that I can remember) I remember yearning for the normal, consistent, boring family. I remember watching TV shows thinking “I’m going to have that life some day”.

Welp, here I am: a house full of kids, blessed to be able to (mostly) stay home, a husband who adores me (there must be something wrong right?) and that I adore equally in return. I legit go to bed every night thanking God for giving me so much more than I deserve. These gifts are not lost on me.

I also recognized something else in my life though. There is no normal. We have been through many transitions in our 11 years of marriage. We married young, had babies young, adopted, had a failed adoption, and gone into foster care. That’s just in our immediate family! I’m not even including anything else coming from outside my house.

I started to get pretty confident that I’m a cool cucumber (is that a thing?) now. We’ve handled it all, there’s nothing new to stress about anymore. Then Covid happened. Then school enrollment happened. Who knew signing your kids up for school could lead to eye twitches? (Thanks stress).

But then I remembered something: this is my gift. This life. This family. This struggle. Guys-in this life I’m marching with my eyes set on something much bigger, better even. It doesn’t end with today’s problems, or even today’s blessings.

Every transition or change in life should be approached with one goal in mind- to glorify Christ. Am I trusting in Him? Not just with my decisions, but to sustain me after those choices are made. Do I believe that if I made a choice I regretted, that God will use it for His good regardless, if I’m looking to Him?

Because that’s the truth friends: God is the end all. The decisions you and I are facing may seem huge, even overwhelming, right now. But they are still temporary problems. While Covid and it’s repercussions may last longer than we’d like, and it may effect more areas of life than we’d like, eventually it will end. When it gets to be too much, remember what you’re marching towards- Who you will meet at the finish line. In the meantime, let’s give grace and love each other.

I am not Against Cops, but I do believe Black Lives Matter

I don’t believe systematic racism is a myth. I do believe our culture has conditioned us to be fearful of blacks, regardless of whether or not we realize it. But I also believe majority of Cops go into the position hoping to make a difference and not to wrongly harm others. There are Cops I know who I would absolutely trust with my life. I don’t want my kids to fear Cops if they are ever in a place of danger and need help.

That being said, there is an undertone of systematic racism that has colored our history. I don’t think most people even realize they harbor feelings of it in themselves. I didn’t. Being raised in a small town, with little diversity, did not prepare me for becoming a multi-racial mom. I was bombarded with my own prejudices, prejudices I didn’t even realize I had.

I know I’m not the only one, and I do believe people of all occupations have the same prejudices as well. The black community is not safe until we address and change those prejudices. Prejudices that exist because we still take pride in the side of history that fought against equal rights of all persons in the United States.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t emphasize that even though everything right now is unstable, God is still good. He is still good when all that we count as comfort (or maybe just norm) has been ripped away. He is still good even though we are still having to address racism 60 years later. He is still good when uncertainty lingers and everything feels broken. George, Breonna, Ahmaud, and countless others, who have lost their lives due to racial injustice have ultimate hope that doesn’t lie in me or you.

Until then, we have been given a command to mourn with those who mourn. (Including the Cops trying to do right). And to stand for righteousness and justice, regardless of popularity.

Sports are good thing. Sports aren’t every thing.

Some of my best memories from high school are from my time spent as an athlete.  I remember listening to Blue Clear Sky by George Strait religiously while riding with my best friend to softball practice.  I remember being so exhausted the weeks we had 2-a-days that all we could do was sleep in between.  I remember the accomplishment I felt once I got my spiking down in volleyball after staying late with a coach several days to work on it.  To this day, I love the feeling of complete exhaustion after a workout.

My husband was twice (and probably then some) the athlete I ever was.  To this day, his reflexes and how quickly he picks up almost any sport he tries still amazes me.  On our honeymoon we went to a St. Louis Cardinals baseball game.  Since we have been married we’ve played on coed softball teams and sand volleyball teams together.  We thoroughly enjoy sports.

So, for several reasons (many stated above) we want and even encourage our kids to take part in sports.  None of those reasons include them playing at a higher level or for them to be the super star of the team.  Now, it’s not that I don’t want them to succeed.  I do.  But more than the destination of “success” I want them to pay attention to the work and journey they will be on to get to that destination of success.

I want them to develop life long habits of being physically active.  I want them to know what it’s like to work hard at a skill in order to master it.  I want them to feel that feeling of accomplishment once they do master that skill.  I want them to feel the camaraderie that comes with being part of a team.

I do not, and will not, push collegiate or even professional level sports.  If my kids end up playing at that level, that’s fine and I will support them in every way possible if they do.  I do fear by constantly pushing that with all of our children, we have made a generation of “every one is a superstar” and forgotten that it is beneficial for kids to be just good athletes that support their team and help them where they can.  When we set up those kind of expectations for each child, we set them up for disappointment because not every one can be the all star.

Last point of this blog: if you really want to make sure your kid gets into college on scholarship push ACADEMICS! It’s really not even comparable the amount of academic scholarships you can get to the amount of athletic scholarships.